


Into the Deep

by pyrosgf



Category: Supernatural
Genre: After s5, Depression, Incest, M/M, Sam is dead, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Thoughts, musings of a madman, triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 09:40:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13499362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrosgf/pseuds/pyrosgf
Summary: The sadness and grief are almost too much for Dean to handle. Surely death is better than this.Written musings of suicidal Dean.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Characters do not belong to me. Just borrowing for my amusement. There might be more of this. Not sure though. It has been a long time since I wrote anything. Please be kind.

Do you ever feel this deep mournful sadness and don't know why? Like everyone around you is dead and you're just wondering the world alone? No? Well, maybe it's me. Maybe it's just my life, Maybe it's the curse of being Dean Winchester. 

My brother was the only person I had left. He died. I went back to an old girlfriend and her kid. I want to be present with them. I want to care, but I don't. At least not about them. They're not him. They're not Sam. Nothing in life matters without him.

Maybe tomorrow I'll finally have the courage to drive Baby off that cliff about five miles from the house. But then again why should I take her with me. She doesn't deserve that.

Day after day the void in my soul deepens. Without him I'm a shadow of myself. I don't care if a vampire finds me so long as he kills me. I don't care so long as the breath leaves my body and I don't have to feel this way anymore. I lost more than just my brother when I lost Sam. He was so much more than that. He was my strength when we lost Dad. He was my rock through all the death and destruction. He was the only love I'd ever known.  
Fuck, I probably shouldn't have said that. But I did, it's out there. I'm the sick bastard that was in love with my brother, but he loved me too and somehow that made it okay. It made it easier to handle those feelings when Sam kissed me for the first time. He was twelve and just a starry eyed kid. I thought he was just confused because he looked up to me, but it wasn't like that. Sammy proved it about a year later when he shoved his hand up the leg of my shorts one night while we were at a hotel waiting for Dad to come home from a hunt.

Maybe that's why it hurts so fucking bad. I don't know. I just don't know how much longer I can pretend that I'm okay. I'm not okay and I haven't been since Sammy managed to defy Lucifer and stop the apocalypse. The apocalypse couldn't have been as bad as this.


	2. Into the Deep 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's grief only deepens approaching the anniversary of Sam's death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, they're not mine. Just borrowing for my amusement.

I can’t get my mind off of Sam. Lisa is starting to notice. Lisa, that girlfriend I mentioned before. I think she’s noticed how hard it is for me to make love to her. Sometimes it’s all I can do to stay hard and trust me when I say that has never been a problem for me no matter who I was sleeping with. Years ago I had girlfriends when Sammy left for college, but Dad didn’t know about all the times I snuck away to visit Sammy. Being that far away from him was just too hard. By that point we’d been having a physical relationship for several years and on nights when Dad was away we’d sleep in the same bed. I’d gotten used to Sam’s long arms wrapped around me and his scent permeating my skin to the point that sometimes I couldn’t tell where Sam ended and I began.

There I go sounding like a chick again. Fuck. I just don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know how to be Dean without Sam. Everyday I get further away from reality. I live in the space between dreams and waking. In those moments I forget. I can feel Sam right beside me then. Like I could roll over and bury my nose into the warmth of his neck if I wanted to. Then I either fall asleep and dream of that fucking day. Or worse, I wake up and there’s a warm body beside me but I feel like ice inside. 

Lisa doesn’t deserve this. She deserves to have someone love her the way I think she loves me. I feel more guilt riding in by the day. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m barely going through the motions anymore. The closed it gets to the anniversary the more I sleep and drink the days away. Don’t get me wrong, I still go to work. I still manage to make it through, but even then it’s a blur. I don’t remember much of it. Just the daydreams of Sammy laughing stick in my mind. I think it’s the reason I still get up and go in the morning. My body is on autopilot and I can live in the memories. 

To think it’ll be a year since I saw his face the last time. I can’t even fathom it. Two days, just two days between me and the worst day of my life. Fuck. The alcohol is finally kicking in. It doesn’t even numb my body anymore, it just melts the ice that seems to encase my body when I’m semi-sober. The ache still eats away. I don’t wanna be here anymore.


End file.
